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Why do people hide their struggles and failures?
The fear of failure, and actually going through failure, are so stigmatized in our society. People do not like to share their mishaps, not just because of the shame, but because they fear that it will change the way the world sees them. Let me be honest, sharing your struggles most likely will change how the world sees you. It might even change how you view yourself. However, that does not have to be a negative or detrimental consequence.
Our life’s story encompasses a mix of our accomplishments and failures. While our identity is how we view our placement in our story and our community. Yes, every choice can have an impact on our immediate and distant future. However, just because your path has been altered doesn’t mean that it should tear you down. What would life be like if everything went as planned? No bumps in the road or surprises. We might be less stressed, but would we be more fulfilled?
This year (2022) was all about trying to separate my pain, mistakes, and failures from my identity. From the moment I decided to take a leave of absence from medical school, challenges continuously arose. Sometimes I felt like I was being chased down a mountain by a boulder, tripping over rocks and slamming into trees. I would then have to make a quick decision if I should just let the boulder conquer me, or if I should keep going. From financial devastation, to mental and physical health struggles, to almost losing the chance of becoming a doctor after failing my board exam (twice), the struggles never seemed to end.
I chose to share my experience with others because I knew that I wasn’t alone. Other people were out there similarly struggling, but society kept them quietly suffering. The anxiety and fear of being ostracized dominating their decision to share their struggles. Once I opened up that I took a leave of absence from medical school, I learned that five other classmates where in the same predicament. That number slowly grew, and we created a group chat to know that we were not going through it alone. There were different reasons each person took time off, what linked us is that we were all silently suffering. Emotions of shame, anger, and sadness echoed across many of the initial messages. However, over time it became a strong community of hope and mental healing. The community has now grown to over 20 students between the various academic years who are currently or just finished taking time off.
Having a community of individuals who are similarly struggling, can have a phenomenal impact on one’s feelings of self worth and identity. These types of community support groups have been shown frequently to be fruitful. In Medicine we commonly recommend them to individuals suffering from various mental and physical illnesses.
However, rarely as medical students and physicians do we place ourselves in a support group to share our struggles. The culture of medical education has been fostered by a cis-male Euro-centric lens, which values objective facts over subjective emotions. We are trained that an exceptional physician is stoic and keeps their own emotions at bay so we have full mental capacity to critically access medical conditions. It is seen as weak for physicians to express pain and less mental and physical illness. In turn, rarely do we hear medical students and physicians sharing their pain, fears, and failures.
Similarly, when I learned in medical school I had endometriosis and generalized anxiety, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of my condition for the fear of being seen as incapable of becoming a physician. However, once I joined social media I found other medical providers who were advocates of illnesses they themselves experienced. I was not the only one suffering, and I began to see this chronic pain in a positive light. I wanted to be like them and inspire others, both patients and medical professionals, to live beyond the social stigma. In turn, I opened up to accepting my conditions as a part of my identity.
My identity is more than my mental and medical illness, and more than my failures and my accomplishments. In turn, my experiences are just a spec of life experiences which make me who I am today. Every new challenge in my life provides me lessons which I choose to use as a form of resilience for future obstacles.
From the outside it is so easy to use failures and achievements as a way to place other individuals into boxes. It is also a natural and normal way for our brain to understand and process the world around us. However, even though we use this is an effective shortcut to remember the stories of others, it doesn’t mean we need to view ourselves in a similar way. In order for us to understand our identity we can use past experiences of both triumph and struggle.
I reflect upon the months of struggling with my identity during my recent leave of absence from medical school. After spicing up my résumé I applied to over 50 jobs similar to what I had done during my college and gap years. These jobs included tutoring, nannying, caregiving, fitness teaching, and social work. Even though many jobs said they were available, they either never got back to me or just denied me. Some said I was over qualified, some weren’t able to pay me above minimum wage, and others didn’t want me as a temporary placement. This led me to feel devalued and full of self-doubt on my skills that I had developed over the past six years, even before I was a graduate student.
However, I persisted and eventually found an amazing job working as a fitness instructor and partner liaison for a company that provided fitness classes to underserved individuals in the Chicago community. One of the trauma-informed movement classes I taught this past year was to a group of high school students from the inner city south side of Chicago. In one of our first classes, I had the students write on the white board a list of all the identities they processed. At first they wrote down the basic ones such as gender, race, and grade level. However, with some encouragement they began to write various identities including sexualities, mental health conditions, and roles took on in their life. These young adults were actively exploring which identities fit them best, and were not afraid to let the grater society dictate the identities they had to mold to.
At this point again I was once again stuck with understanding my identity. Was I just a fitness instructor, a mentor, or social media advocate? Was I still even a medical student? Who was I? The boxes I had previously constructed for myself felt constrictive and were disintegrating at the touch. I felt once again alone and emotionally barren.
Through dealing with the various struggles this past year, writing and journaling became one of my outlets and a form of resiliance. Sometimes I would share these writings with my community who had chosen to support me during this journey. My identity shifted throughout the year from a washout to an advocate and an activist. I learned that even though I was on leave, my words had power, and my new privilege of being a medical student allowed my voice to be broadcasted. To conclude, sharing one’s struggles can develop an identity of resilience which is also a result of attempting to overcome life's traumas, pains, and failures.
Related Blog Posts & Resources:
Lessons Learned from Failing USMLE STEP1
Surviving the 6 Taboos of Medical School
Navigating Suicide Ideation
Talking about Failure in Residency Applications
Deciding Whether to take a Leave of Absence from Medical School
Personal Experience is ACES and mental health challenges
I blog about living as a patient and a medical doctor.
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