Follow the emotional journey of facing financial hardships when my credit card is declined during my leave of absence (LOA) from medical school. From navigating grocery store trauma to finding creative solutions to make ends meet, explore the personal struggles and resilience in the face of financial adversity.
The First Time my Credit Card was Declined:
Imagine waking up and realizing you have no breakfast items so you walk over to the nearby grocery store. You pass a community fridge where there is free food where you give and take what you can. You see some yogurt but know that there are many homeless people and others who are more in need so you go into the store. You pick up some bananas and yogurt and go to the checkout line.
“I am sorry that card says it was declined” the cashier responds
Omg not again, you rush to grab a second card mumbling an apology under your mask.
“That one is declined too”
Again and again... why hasn’t our student loans been distributed yet they said it would be 10 days before class starts and it is now 9 days.
Eventually a card is found that you can pay for the yogurt and you rush out thankful no one can see your burning cheeks under your mask.
You run pass the fridge with the free yogurt... that would have been so much easier than the nightmare that just happened in the store.
When you get home you email Financial Aid about when the money will be distributed and they say it will now be after school starts... 3 days after rent is due...
If only you could work a job again like you did during college, at least then you would be in control of being able to pay for food and rent….
I know that my husband says he is going to try to figure it out but I am being triggered. I feel scared, insecure, anxious, and so vulnerable..
That moment where my husband wants to go get Alfredo at a restaurant because he just had a 16 hour shift the night before. He looks at our bank account and there’s only $75 left and that’s it. He had to sell his prized watch which we got for him after getting into medical school this one prized possession that was worth money. We are waiting for the check of $1000 so I can pay rent for three months. I want to go celebrate with him but the reality of not being able to afford groceries or my medicine this weekend if the check doesn’t come in or it gets lost. I stare ahead and realize how absolutely f****d we are. I truly understand why people go to food banks when you have no other option to get food the other option is starve your way past feeling embarrassed the motions are still there but the reality of starvation is more real.
I want to make cookies but we have no sugar left. I can’t go to the store because we only have $10 left. We used $4.5 for parking and $40 on our dinner. Ok we have $35 left. I know that money is coming in when the check arrives from selling my husband's watch. I know we didn’t have to pay the school $8k right away we could have waited until next spring. We did it so the credit cards wouldn’t take the money when we have to pay it for school. But there is a lot of anxiety. I hate this situation. I can’t go pick up my meds because I am scared they will ask for a copay.
Update tuesday. Still no check. I went to the love fridge and the removed it for maintenance ...awesome...I applied for snap (food stamps). We could get $350!! That is almost two thirds of our grocery budget and they will hopefully just give it to us. Im hungry. We have food...enough for a couple more days. Shrimp in the freezer, meat, one milk carton...we are not starving and we will not starve. Why did we have to pay the school back before we had the watch money in hand....
It is always a cash flow issue… But when is there ever a flow to the stream to begin with? We can’t pick up my meds because we don’t have money in our account and we can’t use the credit cards because we have to hold them for 3 months.
Last night he got mad when I told him my emotions and fear. This afternoon I had created a Zumba class and told people I needed money for groceries. I wasn’t going to tell him until later but it came up so I told him and he told me he was angry. I’m trying not to care because I told him my fears, but instead of wanting to support me he got upset at me. This is not on me I shouldn’t feel bad about it even though I’m crying and I do because I don’t like him being upset at me, but I don’t know what else to do.
Finally I get him to talk to me and he calls me neurotic. And guess what yes hello?! A-N-X-IE-TY. I felt trapped so of course my trauma response came out and I did something about it. I found out how to make myself safe and cared for by asking people for money. He says I "begged" but I dont see it that way. I told people the truth to increase the chance of success. He should be proud of me that I stood up for my needs and advocated for myself, these are things I could have never done a year ago
I felt trapped, alone, hungry, nervous, anxious, powerless...
Trauma in the Grocery Store
For a couple months we had to go day by day with $0 in the bank. Every trip to the grocery store placed me in an a dissociative trauma response. I would skirt around the perimeters of the store only grabbing the bare minimums and things with the lowest price tag, while also staying true to my medical knowledge of healthy choices. With out me being fully aware of my actions, I would wait until there was no one in line at the register then rush to get the food paid. My hand shook I scanned one by one my credit and debit cards cards praying that one of them would go through. Unfortunately, they were often denied. My trauma response went on hyperdrive, and I scanned my surroundings for a place to hide. I felt so exposed and vulnerable standing in-front of the register. I would have to hand over my food to the register and mumble that I would be right back with another card I left at home. With my head bowed, and my heart racing, I was out the door before they could say anything. I did not return.
Nowadays it means pinching dollars, pinching dog food, pinching food stamp money.
Almost out of dog food. Only $3 in the bank
I need to buy my next nbme practice test which is $65.
The venmo money from dog sitting is still pending
I need to buy plane tickets to take my step exam. Don’t get paid till the 12th
Hungry for a snack, but will wait till I get home in 5 hours.
Found an amazon card, so bought some medicine that I have been needing for months
Meeting up with a friend to study and need to make sure it is not at a coffee shop so I don’t show I can’t buy anything
Almost out of food money, so I request a free lasagna from Neighboorhood helpers
This is just temporary. We will get through this.
Why do I have to be so hungry. Then maybe I wouldn’t be thinking about food and could focus on studying. But I’m hungry I’m tired. And i can’t get food or drink. Maybe I’ll go upstairs to see if anyone left any food?
The Struggle to Find Work:
You can say "why don’t you work at McDonald’s" or as a barista or bar attendant? My response is I still want to make a positive impact on my community and my education while making a living. I cannot accept positions that are lower than what I was previously paid as a caregiver for the elderly or as a case manager.
I could not get a full time job right away because I was continuing to study for STEP1 and have medical challenges. I did find three separate part time jobs (fitness instructor, Business Partner liaison, and nanny, dog sitting. The little money we have has been used for my Step1 studding and paying for UWorld, NBME practice exams, and scheduling for my exam.
I was able to receive food stamps and receive donated food from a local food bank. $280-$360/month for now
I took my trauma-induced anxiety and poured it into research on all possible ways that I could increase our available balance. I began to sell clothing and things around the house. My husband sold his computer parts and even his computer to pay for a month's rent.
Eventually, I was able to take my experience as a martial arts instructor and dance minor by teaching fitness classes over zoom and Instagram live. These were just the first steps while I awaited to hear back for more permanent Part Time positions.
Post Grocery Store Trauma
Yes, today I debated between two salads for my lunch for my upcoming clinical week. I experienced a flashback to only a couple months ago where I was in a position where every dollar need a discount it was possibly not on my credit card. I reminded myself with a shake of a head that we had food stamps and I didn’t need to worry about how much each side cost even though it was a dollar difference.
As we go up to the register I prepare both my food banks card and my grocery credit card knowing that the trash bags are not included as part of food stamps and so I had to pay on my own card. I swipe the food stamps and instead of going through I get an error and a receipt. I hold my breath and look at the receipt and psi as it just says it’s only $50 left and not that it is completely denied