Learning that 4 of the 5 embryos failed to complete to the blastocyst stage, is like learning I had 4 miscarriages all at once.
If those embryos had formed the “normal way” and had not attached to the uterus, I would’ve received a negative ➖on my pregnancy test. It would have been disappinting, but I would have never known how close I was.
It makes it so much worse to know that they were able to fertilize, but the DNA or something in the dividing process messed up and it couldn’t reach the correct stage to be frozen.
I can’t help but feel disappointed and blame myself. Part of me wants to be like “oh it’s my f***ed up DNA,” or maybe it's because “I didn’t drink enough protein to make DNA.”
I know it’s not my fault. But still…
It is good that they didn’t complete and become frozen, leading to false hopes for the future.
I feel so disappointed, and also a little angry at myself because now I have to go through the follicular stimulation process once again.
It was so physically painful to inject myself two or more times a day. Physically painful to move, wear pants or have the car seatbelt over my abdominal area. My stomach was so bloated from endometriosis and the swollen ovaries that I was in constant pain.
I couldn’t even teach my fitness classes because I was so physically exaughsted and in deliberating pain.
Now at my new medical assistant job I’ll have to get formal workers disability, which is more paperwork and a demonstration of my failures.
But I know life will go on. I know at least one embryo was successful in making it to the blastocyst stage, so that means hopefully I can make another one or hopefully more.
I’ve never been one to give up.
I’m grieving the ability to not be able to choose how to have a child.
I am grieving the ease that other people have to just randomly been able to have a baby by accident.
I’m grieving the fact that even though I haven’t had the ability financially or academically to achieve things before, I have always persevered.
I know I did get one completed embryo, but that doesn’t stop the pain, the sadness, the anger of my situation.
I have so much anger that I have to put myself through such physical pain just to have a baby. No not even have a baby, to have the possibility of, maybe one day, having a baby.
I can’t help but blame myself, but I don’t even know what to blame. I can blame myself for not drinking enough protein during the cycle or not paying for all the super expensive vitamins for the past year.
But I can’t do anything about the DNA not working well enough in the cells or not dividing the proper way to be able to get to a blastocyst stage. I literally couldn’t do anything different!!
This is literally nature. How can I be angry at nature?! I’m angry at a seed that I gave water which decided to germinate but then not grow up out of the ground, and instead just shriveled up.
After finding out that five eggs were successfully fertilized and growing I got my hopes up that everything was going to be all right. For once that all the pain, the financial, emotional, and physical work was all going to be worth it.
Yes there is one embryo, but one doesn’t guarantee that the IVF will work - as in attach to the uterus and grow into a child. I know the science, and the science and math says I should have more than one frozen embryo.
So here I go once again to the clinic to restart this f***ing cycle. I just hope I have enough energy to make it through a second time.
I pray for acceptance of my body and for science because this is natural life and I can’t fight it because this is just how the universe works.
I have one so it’s not impossible. Nothing is impossible. I’ve done it once. Just like I’ve made it out of my home alive, I’ve made it to a loving husband, I’ve made it to medical school, I’ve made it to black belt, and I have made it made to many other places and have not given up yet.
But even though only one embryo was fully formed and ready to be frozen, I feel so barren...full of blame, and full of failure...