Almost a year has gone by, so I have to make another critical decision:
Should I return to my Clinical Years of Medical School, or extend my journey by another year?
Last year "my plan" was to work on healing from my childhood trauma, my new diagnosis of Endometriosis, Hypertonic Pelvic Floor, Anxiety and to overcome the academic challenges in the continued path to my M.D.
However, this past year brought on one storm after another. From struggling with my infertility and side effects of hormone injections, to suffering financial and housing turmoil, to additional academic mishaps like failing the USMLE STEP1 board exam.
That being said, beautiful things also came out of this past year. My husband and I strengthened our 9 year relationship as we navigated the rough waters.
As my friend Felicia Marti wrote in "Choosing You Despite It All: A conversation with Stephanie Moss, I learned how to be an advocate for myself and pursue my own path. With support from my therapists and medications, I was able to step out of my anxiety and share my journey with both patient and medical communities through writings, publications, podcasts, and presentations.
I am not going to undercut the multitude of emotions I have experienced while trying to come to a decision.
I chose to explain whether I should extend my leave of absence (LOA) through this Poem on Instagram:
Just ripples in my life’s journey.
As a stone is thrown into my journey
Each ripple brings a new emotion.
Each one larger than the one before.
But eventually the water settles
And one can see the stones below.
They lay there as little trophies
Of what I have endured before
For so many years I have been running
Splashing and pushing past each stone
I look up and see ripples
So much bigger than before
Should I get up and keep going?
My clothing wet and my heart weary
Pushing through till the end
But the end is just another beginning
Medicine will still be there next year
There will still be patients
And still plenty to learn
Yes my friends will get their MD’s before me
But that doesn’t mean that I will never get mine
One more year will bring more joy and healing
Than one more year of plowing through
Now is my time to rejuvenate
To be a Lilly pad floating by
And give myself time to blossom
To become the doctor I am one day meant to become
So many times I have fallen into the trap that Medicine is a Race. The "Pre-Med Mindset" makes us believe that if we don't achieve the next step, we will be left behind, and someone else will take our place. You would think that mindset would disappear once you become the 1% of individuals who apply and get into medical school in the USA. However, the race continues as you surround yourself with other 1% medical student classmates.
For many future physicians the "imposter syndrome" grabs on tight for the ride. Whether that is because you didn't come from a family of physicians, nor came from a high income household, nor went to an IVY League University, or because your skin color leads you to be another percent of a percent.
My journey is already so unique. An additional year to overcome the "imposter syndrome" and focus on healing will defiantly strengthen me for life's journey.
I am a Mexican-American female, a childhood trauma survivor, a wife to a future physician, and I live with multiple chronic mental and physical health conditions.
Here is to another year of trauma-informed healing adventures!
If you would like to keep up with my journey you can follow me @medpsycmoss on Instagram/Twitter, Sign up for Monthly Emails,
I blog about living as a patient and a medical doctor.
Check out my Workbook, Residency App, & advising Here
Sign up for monthly email newsletter to find out when new posts & resources are added!